No one like me?!

Hello,

Father I declare that you are my Valentine, there is no me without YOU, you make me all I am.

How are you doing ma blog family?. Been a while since I dropped by here

This post is as self involved as can be can, so please allow me.

Y'all know I claim to be a matured lady who is very single - Everybody choruses Yelz

How come everyone around me is more frazzled, come across as single ready to mingle but myself.

According to more than one source, I don't look like someone "who is single or even ready to mingle" (biko nu how do they look?), "It does not show on your face sha (this irks me so, as in what?!!), "I thought you have someone somewhere! (but why would you go thinking on my behalf).

My single lady friends make more reference to their single state, getting married, kids that I wonder if I am okay for not speaking or thinking about it as much.

So I had a self talk and these were a few of the reasons that I came up with

• God told me he will settle me in my joyful matrimonial home hence my calm disposition to it all.
• I am content with not being married for now because I have seen what how miserable a married woman can be.
• I am somehow sabotaging myself and have made a pact with some unseen forces to remain single.
• I am too Lacadesical to be bothered about singleness or marriage.
• Everyone around me is doing the fretting and bothering leaving me no room or time to bother about it myself.
• I am in denial of some sort

I do hope it's the first reason on the list, otherwise intervention may be required or going by my valentine it may not be necessary after all....hmmmn.

Some shoes must hurt more than the other

Beaurifful People

How you dey yonder, thanking the Great Provider who provides all that we need if not for God where would I be.

I am sitting here balanced with some Boli and Epa the only missing ingredient is a bottle Fanta, Like my mother will say "Fanta ti o se ewon" (i.e. Fanta that has been imprisoned inside freezer).
With my balanced diet on one side and a Nollywood flick on the laptop, I could not help but re visit my post of way back about which is better Waiting for a child or life partner?.

I mean at least when you are single the people on your case are limited to your family, friends and a few gbeboruns. When it comes to waiting for a child the equation is raised to the power of TWO. See the clip below from 5.15.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQscnLQhbDA&feature=channel

Imagine having a mother inlaw come into your house to display that kind of mentalo.
I wanted to dismiss it that it is just a film but read the comments below the clip and realised that something like that has actually happened in real life.
I remember one woman that was giving me gist of some of the things she went through while waiting for a child. On one occassion the mother in law was actually peeping on her while she was having her bath trying to see her naked to see early signs of pregnancy which kind errrant nonsense be dat.

Women are just special people, when I think of all they go through it makes me shudder how they still manage to keep a smile on their face.

While we are still on the shoe wearing thing, what is the best answer that I can give to the next person that asks me why I am Still not married?

I have overused or let's say the following no longer has effect

• I am still in school - That one went out the window xx years ago.


• I have not met the right one - Counter argument: there is no right one


• I have not met a sensible one - Counter argument: Most men only get sensible when they are married..........(schwepps as in somehow I will import sense into him).


• And I definitely can not say am not ready - The next suggestion is I have a problem.

So the challenge is thrown open "An intelligent gob shutting answer that stops further questioning".

Did I tell you about my experience on the last trip to Naija. Picture this I decided to say hello to an elderly neighbour of mine as we were driving past her house and she decided to ask my marital status across the balcony of her house to the hearing of passers by...just picture it.

I caused it now, deciding to be nice and stopping to greet her. And I only stopped 'cos I remember she has owl eyes and may have see me but pretend only to report to mumsie later. Not that I care abi mama thirty + can not dare to carry cane for me ke 'Tufiakwa'.

It was a combination of just greet her so she does not include you in her list of offenders, plus it's been a while since I saw her so wanted to say hi and ask about her daughter who was an acquintance.

Well before she finished the '5 mins over the balcony conversation' she had with me, I managed to gather that her daughter is married with 2.4 kids, the said daughter will never come to England 'cos she can not stand the place as people over there don't make real progress, and the said daughter is working in Lagos earning x million naira.

Yes o she told me her daughter's 'salary' and NO I did not ask for the information only ask if "Mary Clarence" (her daughter) was okay.

By the way her daugter's 'HUGE SALARY' as she calls it the total sum of ............................ Threes Millions Nairas and zero kobo per annum.

I am sure when the said daughter starts taking home ten million naira she will start a blog to tell the whole world how her daughter came to earn that much.

Moral of the gist, there is a time and place for everything, it is unwise to give unsolicited information over the balcony.

Till later

Nigeria ages and Customary courts

Hello Peeps,

Unto Baba God be the glory, great things he has done. Let me make a distinction sharpish because there different gods. The God that I am talking about and kiraing for is the El-Shaddai the one who declared his covenant name to be Jehovah, the one who sent his begotten son Jesus to die on the cross.

Ope o, that cleared another round of ikira for Him, Father you are too much.

Happy Birthday to you Nigeria, in the face of criticm, PHCN crisis, Niger Delta, economic hardship, being deserted by your children, you still remain sane, you have tried.
Yet I am concerned that you are as you are, o Nigeria. I wonder why there are no sorrow of birth pangs coming from you in hope to deliver the future you hope. I am concerned that status quo seems to remain and come to a harsh/bitter conclusion that change is not coming anytime soon.
Nevertheless you deserve the honour of these wishes, may the blood and sweat of heroes past speak for the future yet to come.

Just got off the phone from some dude that I came upon eon years ago. According to him my friend gave him my number donkey years ago and he called me on one or two occassion. He said he "used to Toast me" (his words), bbbuuuaaaah. Been a long time I heard anyone use that word around here.

The dude kept asking "What do you fiii about you and me?" (he pronounced feel as fiii). And another one "So when was your Betday?" (Betday = Birthday).
He has been thinking of me since all these years (more than 5yrs o), then hangs himself without any effort, well truth was he has been in a relationship with one Old woman who kind of must have used juju on him because blah blah......

His mission: since I am not married yet, dude is saying nothing is impossible, okay now...that means hell can freeze abi?

To better gist

I read the story below in some magazine and had to put it up, it brought memories of the few times I read iwe iroyin yoruba, my favourite section was the ones that had customary session proceedings. I just use to find the stories in the section hilarious

The eight-year-old marriage of a Lagos trader, Mrs. Ajetumobi Ajike almost collapsed because of endless GSM flashing by a man she claimed to be her colleague. The matter came to a head when the presumed colleague flashed and called her at midnight. The next morning, her enraged husband headed for a Grade ‘A’ Customary Court in Agege, Lagos and filed for divorce. When the matter continued to rage in court, the midnight caller appeared in person and pleaded with the woman’s hubby not to send her away. The court president, E.K.S Bruce later cautioned the man thus: “Your wife was childish. So, please pardon her. For the woman, you made a great mistake by keeping your husband in the dark about that colleague of yours. You allowed that flasher to ruin your marriage.” The story of GSM gaffes are legion. A top civil servant in Abuja once mistakenly sent to his real wife, a sex-explicit text intended for his mistress. But for the intervention of their children and family friends, the marriage would have hit the rocks.

Just imagine that these two grown ups would have had on their divorce certificate, reason for divorce: GSM Interruption? Or GSM flashing?.

Is this how derailed the insititution of marriage has become?

Till later

Danger Mouse

Hi Peeps,

I trust you are all good.

Remember that from North to South there is no other God, from East to West there is no other God before him there is none and after him nko no one.

This is an old gist I had promised to download a while back about Danger Mouse who happened to be a match make attempt it just occured to me I did not fulfill the promise so finally here it is the update you don dey halla me for 'you know yourselves'

Background - Sister O is one of those 'Iya eto' (make it happen women) in my church, who saw me on one Sunday and asked if I was seeing anyone to which I answered negative.

Like film sha Sis O pulled me aside about three Sundays later and introduced me to this guy Bros Dangermouse (a.k.a. Bro D) Here goes the convo:

Sis O: "30+ meet D"

Moi non the wiser said casually "Hello D"

He acknowledged followed by awakward silence, my eyebrow raised at Sis O face as to 'who he was supposed to be'.

Sister O just said "Talk now, ki lo nseyin"? (Talk, what is wrong with both of you?)

That was when the penny dropped, I turned charcoal black from the blushing, how embarrasing. Where is a ground opening earthquake when you need one.

Folks, some peeps can be tactless.

I observed Bro D with my corner eye, the bros was decked up in Suit, nice itele (shoes) tie knotted gbagbagba(i.e choker level) he had obviously made a lot of attempt to impress, na wa o. Physique -well heightwise and widthwise, the name Danger Mouse was meticulously given after careful observation of the aforementioned and the latter shenennigans.Bro D apparently grew up in mission house, was shy and doesn't know how to talk to girls e.t.c all according to Sis O.

Like eja kote head (frozen fish head), we exchanged pleasantries and numbers under the watchful eye of Sister O. If not that we were in Church and that I was/am working on mind renewal, bridling tongue.....God knows what I would have done.

Anyways, the guy called me a couple of times and the conversations were usually typified by monosyllables and sleep inducing jagbajantis like:

Bro D: "How are you? "

30+: "Ok"

Bro D: "What are you doing?"

30+: "Nothing"

Bro D: "Did you poo?"

30+: "Yes I finally did!

Bro D: "Did you wee?"

30+: "I don't remember?"

Bro D: "Do you drink water"

...and so on so forth meanwhile trying hard to maintain civility. Why did I pick up his calls, I was being polite. Plus he was the one burning his credit and by the time he gets off the phone, I drop of to sleep instanta.

Then he invited me for a meal and film, and 30+ said yes, pass me not by free food and awoof no dey kill person ko...lie.

Come the D day, good meal, nice film, good weather, altogether nice outing, how splendid! I carried bag ready to go my own way abi after you see THE END at the cinema, next destination is for me to go home is it not?!

30+: "Thank you Bro D, God bless You, see you some other time"

That is how Bro D extended arms as per 'hug' goodnite shey, no shakin me too I accepted.

Next thing I know, what's going on? Shuo, I was on lockdown, Bro D will not let me go! Dude was holding me tight like his life depended on it.
I managed to free my head a bit to read his face as in 'what the heck is going on' I will try to carefully describe what happened in the following 2mins or so.
Have you seen folks in karate lesson when they take position as the Sensae shouts "assume the zeng ko kuda chi genda barai kamaite " . Bros D had assume position of kissing o, dude had his eyes closed, lips pouting and shooting out ready for me to reciprocrate. Then I started feeling his hands going down gradually and eventually resting ever so slightly on my DERIERE ready to grab my butt cheeks shuuuuuoo, not on your nearly balding head..............'haya!' 'hai!!' 'hai!!!'. I doubled up strength like the power rangers and broke free.....my dereiere, lai lai lai...na yam.

You and who? When did we start geography that we are drawing map?

So film and dinner is the cost to grab my precious derriere. I did not know that they taught them 'butt grabbing' at the mission house. Needless to say I gave him one look and lest I commit (in the days when I was not this calm, that bloke would have chopped hot slap), started walking away. One after the other I sucked my butt cheeks in just in case they decide to wiggle at him in a mannner of showing off ....
Did I feedback to 'Sis O'? No I could not be bothered.
However unknown to me 'Sis O' had informed 'Sis Devil is a liar' (a better pally of mine)about her matchmake effort and was wondering why I did not show enthusiasm to the guy (apparently danger mouse gave 'Sis O' the impression I was not keen and he is shy around me). So when 'Sis Devil is a liar' asked my taken aback self, I gave her the low down of the butt grabbing expedition of 'Bro Danger mouse' knowing fully well she will not hold back in speaking a piece of her mind to 'Sis O'.
On a serious note I was a bit miffed at the whole shebang. I was not wearing anything revealing to entice him, we did not even watch Romantic film, it was X men or something like that. So at which junction did my body language signal to him that my butt was itching for a grab.
Someday I will tell my kids and grandkids the story of what this Nubian Princess went through before meeting her Prince, better still I will just give them this blog URL.

Till laters

SHALOM

I HAVED MOVED

Blog peeps what's jamming

Thank you Jesus for Princessa's mum, thank you for Catwalq's talent on the Academie, thank you for protecting Lighty's broke arse and helping with her serious thinking, thank you for London Buki's mum because she is getting better everyday, thank you for bringing joy to Carlang, for Ugo's new job, for Bimby's creativity (happy ever after *winks*), for Allied who became a year older, for Aijay and her weird clients, for Isi's Monday tonic, for Nyemoni who has refused to update and all other bloggers, In one word, THANK YOU FOR BLOGVILLE.

Votes are in, and you've voted for a Blog makeover, so I go fishing for a new template, pray I find a better one....

Folks, I have moved into the more permanent abode I refered to in my post Prisoner in my home. After a lot of palavas and going back and forth, I moved in over the last weekend...phew.

IF you hear that I have a housemate it is by my own choice. One thing is sure I will not be getting any dude or babe who is more than 5ft 6inches.

I HAVE NEVER LIVED ON MY OWN, always had a flatmate, siblings, family, friend or someone living with me, hhmn.

At times like this I really pine to have a man, right the bulbs of the house are kind of different and I am thinking who is gonna change that for me. How do I sort getting some of the furntiture bits and such stuff. Don't get me wrong o when push comes to shove 30+ can do anything she sets her mind to but I don't want to.

Dear God send me an angel, not one of those who have wings (nah, no flying in the house), I mean a hunk of brother who will be more than happy to do all those manly stuff, loves me, has good genes (for the babies) but most importantly LOVES YOU.

My Neighbours: They are mostly Old Age Pensioners, how did I find myself in this place. Chai long pointy nose is not just there for show, dem dey nosey.
They seem quite nice and I already know the story of most of them. No thanks to Mrs I who voluntarily gave me the low down, I had tea with her yes already, I am having tea with em, small time y'all will hear that I am playing Bingo with them. I have made up my mind to be relevant in my community and spread the love to my neighbours. If I have to sit down hearing stories of their life and 1st world war so be it.

A light hidden is of no use.

Mr M gave me a fright this morning as he knocked on my car window, he apologised profusely for not responding well to my gestures last night (he lives across from me) aw bless his heart, he must have been watching me from the window (talk of free neighbourhood watch).

The area is very quiet and peaceful, I really hope to stay here for a while at least before having to move again.

Kind of getting weary of this pilgrim lifestyle, which way to go God.


Let me put in perspective, in the past two years I have worked in 5 different towns, although it comes with some perks and reward.

Some folks say it is not good for me to be moving so much, especially working in small towns like sosolios and kilimanjaro, "30+ you need to be where the action is (i.e. Jand), so you can settle down quickly".

Okayee why have I not 'settled down' in the donkey years I stayed in Jand, abeg step aside may I no jam you with my moto, duty calls.....

C'est la vie

On a seperate note altogether, can someone please explain their concept of deja vu?!

P.S
Princessa abeg carry your '32 pearls' from my dream o, the girl was just gisting away like there is tomorrow and this is me thinking this gal too like gist sha.


Till laters

Shalom

The Good husband

Hi Peeps,
Hope y'all had a good weekend, mine I am trying to remember what happened hold on a minute....yeah I remember now, not much. Training and Rehearsals on Saturday, church on Sunday, watched films and lazed in.
Anyhow I went on facebook this morning because they sent me mail say I get friend request. I opened friend request and was starring at this EYES KONGBA of some guy I don't know from Adam. I am looking at the eyes and thinking okayee is it laced with tiro i.e. as you look at me you will just fall for me, lol (too much yoruba films). And the expression and look of the guy na waya, in short if you jam this guy for night you will just hand over your purse, mobile, PDA etcetera without asking. And the info on his profile reads thus:
Networks: Nigeria (30+ says, so that is how he got my profile)
Sex: Male
Interested In: Women, Men (30+ says, Okayee?! See below)
Relationship Status: It's Complicated (30+ says: This another way of saying, ajihun my wife and the 4 kids are in the village, but in lagos I am a single guy and a hustler)
Looking For: Whatever I can get (30+ says desperado, anything for money male/female, crooked/straight, fine, no fine, rash infested bum or not as long as money dey, ma kids need to eat)

The guy no even fear e look my profile picture finish and wants to be friends with 'her hotness' (30+ dey pose o, whareva nitori re ni mo se ndege, pose your own). Remedial action: Decamp from Nigeria network one time, I fear all this yahoo yahoo boys cos those guys jazz it up big time, not that 30+ is afraid of Jazz o but mehn I don't need unnecessary binding and loosing.

Ok he may not be yahoo yahoo but it just happened that while others are wonderfully made, he is Fearfully made (no be me talk am sha). I guess that is why I am not Prophet 30+, I would have finished all the oil on all of David's brothers head with nofink left for the lad (this one na bible code talk, only few will understand).

On another note entirely....I got mail so decided to share with you... The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?""Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99, Hot Breakfast $4.20, Two Aspirins $.38, Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

P.S
You will not escape next post o, there is this grown arse mumulicious guy jaggering my nerves, infact two of dem.
Shalom

Matchmaking Palava

I was going to title this post 'I go wound person o' but changed it after I calmed down.

One of the challenges of being a 30+ female is that people are always trying to hook you up, and hook you up real bad. Most are with good intentions, others it's just to get you to move on (out) so that the young can grow.

Which brings me to the question, what is the right way to matchmake, how can you set up folks so the two individuals don't feel under pressure but rather get a comfortable feeling of forging a friendship that may ultimately lead to I DO.

I find sometimes it is best to avoid this desperate matchmakers but being the amiable person I am, I seem to be an easy target for all sorts of matchmaking. I can understand when it is those mamas, papas, uncles and aunties, but at least your friends should know better.

That is how the other day, I was jejely minding my business reading blogs, working and you know generally being 30+ and my friend calls me leaving two messages:

Message 1 -‘30+ pe mi asap (call me), it is very important, I repeat pe mi o, unfailingly today’.

Message 2 (30mins later) – 30+ ibo lo wa now (where are you), I need you to call me, what do you have mobile phone for if one can not reach you make sure 'pe o pe mi'(that you call me) there is an urgent discussion’.

Listening to message I call her back 'asap' , here goes the conversation:

30+: 'Ore what's up, your message sounded rather urgent, ki lo nsele'

Friend: '30+ ibo lo gba lo? (where did you go?), we were trying to set something up here and I wanted to give you the 411'.

30+::' Really, who is "we" and wetin dey?'

Friend: 'I want you to listen carefully, I know you may frown at this but anyway let me just go straight to the point (short silence) there is this guy...'

30+: Sighs (not again)

Friend: 'Mo ti mo (I knew that would be your reaction), don't sigh, I have not said anything now to make you sigh. As I was saying there is this guy that I will want you to meet, he is my friends uncle no sorry nephew, well I don't remember the relationship, Most important he is a Christian, he is also a nice person sha. He is from etcetera, he is light skinned'

30+: 'I am listening' (Buzzer goes off in my head...kno, 30+ does not dig light skinned and does not want to go to etcetera, too far from my country)

Friend: 'Well ..... he was kind of married before'

30+: 'Which one is kind of ?'

Friend: 'Well he was married but is divorced now

30+: 'He is divorced now?!' (ding...o jebi)

Friend: '.Yea... Well he has a kid, no not one, two kids...ehn sorry I meant two'

30+: 'Ehn Ehn, 2 KIDS' (Buzzer goes into overdrive ....KNO, KNO, KNO, too young to manage that; 3 families (mine, his and hers), 2 step kids, plus my would be 5 kids = high blood pressure)

AND THEN SHE SAID...

Friend: 'He said he is not making any promises o but he will consider'

30+: 'Silence' (Buzzer in my head has just pafuka at this point in time, flipping heck, I am definitely being framed, this must be the joke of the century).

Friend: 'What do you think?'

Y'all must commend 30+ for keeping her cool up till now, she is seriously trying to bridle her tongue, because if she starts let's just say by the time she finishes you will go and change your name with immediate effect.

Friend: '30+ are you still there, what do you think'

30+:'Well I think....HELL NO, he can go and ...(slowly breathe in, breathe out), he can go and hold himself and his foolish consideration'.

Friend: 'Ha ha 30+ it is not like that, and I thought you may not like it o. Don't be upset now.'

30+: 'Upset ke, why will I be upset...abeg I will have to call you back' (I am about to unleash my...count 1 to 100)

Drops the phone muttering under my breath "Upset, upset, upset upset does not even come close to describing what I feel now, let me go and lay my head down before i break something"
See my life outside o, 30+ has suffered chai, my eyes have seen for this obodo oyinbo.

I mean even though there seems to be a shortfall of eligible and available bachelors there are still enough single boys/men out there without previous commitments x 3 (ex wife, kid 1, kid 2) and Considerations...

I know what you are thinking right about now, I wonder the situation is with 30+, what does she look like may be she is the niece of the hunchback of notre dame with no possible dream of a prince in shinning BMW (armour na old style).

Okay here goes: 30+ is SINGLE (no kid /ex husband dead or alive), good looking, vivacious, God loving, professional babe. Oprah could pass for my Mum and y'all know kids are finer that their parents (I ain't denying you mama 30+, you are finer than Oprah, just had to help the blog readers). I am not Halle Berry but I could be her sister (na you sabi) except for some stubborn extras here and here that refuse to shift, in fact you can call me a cutie or black beauty and you will not be amiss.

Help a sister out here, am I the only 30+ in the city, abi na by force to be hooked up just because they (my friends) are. I wonder what kind of gist they must have had for the ramshackle guy to utter such statements.

EMI (ME) KONSIDA, shuo who is considering who, it is not your fault.... meeen, nobody must hear this especially Toro and Yemi, they will laugh my arse out of this town. At least I can share it on blogville where I am anonymous

I do wonder sometimes why I get this dufusticous offers, this incident made me to remember the guy I call Danger Mouse, oh boy I still laugh to this day when I remember our date...that story is for another post.

Till later Shalom