Week at the gym - Another Man's Story

My wonderful Peeps,

If e no be GOD na original Satan, that is why I choose to give the Almighty father of life from whom blessings come all the glory, honour and power He is the Real Deal.

Since my last gist was on my gym and the characters therein, I decided to share another man's gist (as sent to my inbox) at his own gym.


This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other nonsense too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy

Till Later

At the Gym

Hi Peeps,

How y'all keeping? Oya for the fact that you are reading this blog and post at this time take a minute to thank God, done.

I have tried to be a good girl by eating my 5 a day and going to the gym at least 2x a week. Although the pounds refuse to shift I am resolved to press on I need to keep fit.

For now, let me chronicle what happened at my gym with a girl/lady I call 'made in nigeria' (you go soon find out).

First meet some of my gym comrades

Size O a.k.a Twiggy

Skinny as they come, the type that some traditional women will argue can not bear children because she does not have child bearing hips or milk giving boobs. I was oberving her leg and the other and remember my brother's nickname in secondary school 'cassava plant'. Just because you are skinny don't mean you should not gym abi, you still need to keep fit but she takes it to another level. She is a permanent fixture at the gym one particular week I went to gym like 4 times (a good week) and my Twiggy was there each time.

I come into gym she is there, I leave like 1 hour or more later and she is still there.

The passion (almost as if posessed) with which she attacks the threadmill and the crosstrainer (her favourites) has led me to believe that "what lies beyond no 6 may be more than 7". I kid you not over the month her gym slacks are now falling off her hips and she rolls it to fit her small deriere.

I wish to go and ask the girl to slow her role but I remember the proverbs that "Soldiers ants are tiny but deadly". I don't want to have to be scraped off the gym floor for not minding my own business.

The Couple

Another set of gym loyalist, they come in to the together all the time and I wonder if they rehearse their steps or it is a coincidence that their walking is always in sync left together right together. Threadmill together adjacent while chatting, they row together, do the steppers together and you can see the scrawl on the guy's face go up a notch, on occassions when gym is full which means no adjacent machines. Funny though despite the seeming togetheress it does not sit well that they are a couple. Infact for a long time I thought she was training him until I saw him hanging outside the ladies changing room so they could enter the gym together. Maybe it's because the guy always has this look on him like a soldier on mission compared to the cool Missus.

There are more

The three jolly Greys: They are definitely over 60's, 2 ladies and 1 guy. I am a sucker for grey hair it evokes this air of Wisdom, Victories, Surviving. I so much Love the way the guy waits for the ladies while they finish up on a machine, I am sure one of the ladies is his wife.

The encourager: Let's just say when I look at her, I tell myself that if she is not discouraged then I should not be.

Recently I saw this newbie who come in and she most def was 'made in Nigeria', how did I know. Well 'We' kind of made that knowing eye contact ('as in you are we know ourselves') and smiled oyinbo smile.

She was on the threadmill while I headed for the rower. When she finished on treadmill she went to weigh herself (well it's common for folks to weigh themselves when they come in and when leaving). Next my homegirl went on cross trainer and after like 15mins hopped off and straight on the scales again (okay o). Before you know it 'made in Nigeria' gets on steppers just as I was leaving the rower, after like 15-20mins, guess what? Yes 'homegirl' goes to weigh herself yet again (by now I am chuckling to myself and thinking, girlfriend please represent now na today). Thankfully she leaves gym room (or so I thought) while I battled on the crosstrainer.

Like 10mins later 'Made in Nigeria' comes back into gym and did something odd, she was sniffing her fingers and I am thinking hmmn she is checking that no traces of no 2 is left under the nails. Well take a while guess on what she did next?! You guessed right the babe promptly went on the scales again to weigh herself. At this point in time I was trying so hard to hold my piss (yes piss) and not burst out laughing weight loss by fire by force.

You see a while back one of my colleague gave me a secret which was "the easiest way to loose 2lbs in 2 mins is to do a dump of no 2" and for maximum weight loss ensure ample no 1(liquid) and no 3(gas) is added. When my thoughts came to the liquid part, I had to abandon xtrainer and make a dash to the white house holding my piss and laughter along the way, it was no easy feat.

Human beings we are so impatient, sure she did not pile the pounds one in one day, why she expects it to go in one day pass me.

Morale of my gist, Rome was not built in a day, like the songwriter said "Lord help me to take one day at a time"

Abeg y'all can go and try the weight loss recipee which I call "dump 1, 2 and 3" free of charge courtesy THIRTY +.

Till Later