Week at the gym - Another Man's Story

My wonderful Peeps,

If e no be GOD na original Satan, that is why I choose to give the Almighty father of life from whom blessings come all the glory, honour and power He is the Real Deal.

Since my last gist was on my gym and the characters therein, I decided to share another man's gist (as sent to my inbox) at his own gym.

Enjoy

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other nonsense too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy

Till Later

20 comments:

LG said...

1sttt
hapuya like dat :-)

NoLimit said...

Noooooo!!1
I was meant to be first!

NoLimit said...

lol!...this is tew funny...notice the way Belinda slowly turned to a dracula!!!lol
Wifey switched to witch from Dear...this is totally hilarious!!!

Afrobabe said...

Lmao...I also got this mail though mine was a woman..

I best part is how the pretty trainer slowly turns to a vampire...

Buttercup said...

lmao!!!!!! i guess not all that glitters is gold..heehehehe!

bumight said...

lol, buttercup took the words right out of my mouth!- complete with the laughter sef

Mocha said...

*falls out of her chair laughing!!*
Nice one..nice one.

Funms-the rebirth said...

lmao, what a transformation. Cant stop laughing o!

Good Naija Girl said...

Too funny! I loved how Belinda transformed in his eyes.

Have a great week Madame Thirty Plus!

iHeart! said...

oh this was hilarious! and soo incredibly well written.

Writefreak said...

This is super hilarious! From goddess to dracula hehehe...and his dear wife all in a week became a witch?? lol

AnyaPosh said...

Hahahaha! That was funny. I like the part about the stair monster & elevators. I love the vivid description of Belinda. I imagined she slowly morphed from the pretty thing into one hideous gremlin dracula.. LOL. funny. Please opt for that root canal any day rather than these demented workouts!

mizchif said...

LMAO!!! Hilarious!
I love the way he saw describing Belinda as a godess on day 1 and jus 2 days l8r, she became a vampire.

But i can relate to how simple things like laughing or standing upright can be hellishly difficult after some rigorous work out!

Hope he gets that vasectomy he's wishing for tho. Let's see what he has to say then!

ShonaVixen said...

lol!!!

simeone said...

sori ..i'll like to borrow no limit's words..this is tew funny..
e gba mi o..hav u ever been in an office where u cant really laff..asin laf out loud..that makes it more funny..

LusciousRon said...

From Goddess to Grinch. I bow! Now he wants a root canal. that man is crazy.

This is too funny.

Pink Lips said...

Lol, really funny stuff!!!

princesa said...

Ha ha ha ha...

Dont we hate everything associated with stuff we hate???

LOL!!!

Lazy man!

Sherri said...

Lol!
laying on the toothbrush to brush his teeth? haba!

how u dey Sis?
your sweetness is appreciated.

Parakeet said...

Hahaha...another funny post from 30+. But I wonder is that how mean change? From dear to witch, I fear o.