Prisoner in my home

Peeps how you doing?! Trust you are keeping well.

Just thank God for me o, my non English speaking neighbours finally moved out.
For the past 4 weeks or so I have been living like a prisoner in my own flat(technically it ain't mine cos I am renting). Rememember my neighbours the ones trying to make me a compulsory English teacher, well they are a couple and they have been trying my patience especially the boyfriend. To start with my landlord did not inform me that she will take on a couple, one of the reasons I took the flat was that it was just going to be two of us in the cosy flat. Anyways couple moved in and we were okay for a while (they kept their gyzymsifsh coupling stuff to their room, which was fine by me) and I figured they will soon be gone as they were holiday makers.

Then it started, first it was dirty dishes in sink, phunking up the bathroom, visitors pressing bell at odd hours. Then the boyfriend started prancing up and down the flat and overtook the living room sleeping in there (obviously they were having issues).
Now the guy is big, I am talking like 6footer with bouncer like figure (stop imaginig a hunk, cos he is not). Infact I shall therein refer to him as Goliath.

Now I am a tolerant person I don't mind someone prancing around the flat all day and taking over the living room as long as it is

or him

ok if it has to be, get me this brown sugar

Infact my tolerance level can accomodate Morris, Taye, hugh, Denzel all at the same time, I am flexible like that. But nnooooo I have had to endure Goliath prancing around the flat in his wait for it......... BOXERS. I am talking tight boxers which leaves little to imagination. Plus once he is in the living room forget it because (a) the living room is poky (b) Dude is HUGE (c) he leaves a big time whiff trail after him as in even if you have cataarh, you don't have to be Sherlock holmes to figure out where he has entered within the flat.

The other day I walked into the living room and he was lying down legs wide open and needless to say my eye was beholding serious iniquities (I wish I could laugh). Groggy bits were hanging out, eew eew eew.

About 3 weeks ago, the dude opened the door of my room without knocking at 5.30 in the Morning. I just opened my eyes to see this dude at the door of my room and had to scream at him. He just went back like a zombie, I got up, fiddled for my house coat and went after him and guess what Goliath was doing, he was already in the bathroom attending to business ni sha and he opened the door ajar to answer me, imagine such a gross sight early in the morin. The experience was traumatising to say the least.

Apparently he was drunk and was actually going to the bathroom (or so his girlfriend said). I am like okayee......despite the fact that the bathroom was literarily next door to their room and the distance between my room to the bathroom is not a straight nine, it is more like a Triangle.

I had to sleep with suitcases barricading my door to secure it, until they moved out (after the I don't care attitude of the landlord, who kept posting me on coming to put locks on the door). Plus 30+ was creeping around the flat like a thief in order not to rouse the giant.

So Ms 30+ with all your Bluntness why did you just not face him take him on afterall you say you are Bold? Thank you, I knew some smart arse blog reader would ask, to answer your question I will give you some hints in order of seriousness:

1) Goliath no speak good English2) Goliath has selective hearing (either that or the lack of English is more serious than I assume) 3) On a particular occassion the dude was talking angrily with his friend while holding a knife and he looked at me with evil eye as I entered the kitchen (Vivid imagination?! Y'all be the same if you heard the story I heard last year involving 2 friends living together and a knife).
4) You no sabi read - I named the dude Goliath
......And so
5) Duh..I have described myself before as cute and....
6) Well my name is not David, neither do I go around with a catapult!!!!

I purposely did not blog about it cos when I told my sis, the girl went beserk, raking for me "haven't I heard stories before", "you know he is a holiday maker, what if he does something and ran away", "human rights, civil rights" "insanity" "blah blah" (the girl can blow grammar).
Although she was being concerned, I became more scared after I told her, so I held my peace till it was over lest any Blog comments make me even more Anxious.
I should be moving to somewhere more permanent very soon by GOD's GRACE, till then I am a PILGRIM (literarily).



Jerusalem said...

30+, I'm just glad you're fine. These people can be psychotic.

Allied said...

Eya.. Pele. I am afrais of having devilish/evil roommate hence, i live alone.

100%Lighty said...

in short 30+ fear shea? awww sorry ohh, thank God that they r out at least u can take ur luggage out the front of ur door.

bless u for aving such good patience.

30+ said...

@Jerusalem, psychotic describes the story that I heard of the 2 friends and knife.
@Allied, hopefully I will follow your suit soon.
@Lightly, see your mouth o, who said 30+ dey fear.

Sparkle said...

na wa o...good thing they're out..who knows what will happen next

Arewa said...

lol@U refering to his bits putting u off from eating saki and abodi..eiw!!

exschoolnerd said...

lol..some stories on crime and investigation have started like this oh..

thank God they have gone oh!!! i can only imagine how disgusted u must have been when u walked on him with his legs opened

Aijay said...

Lmao!!! I can't stop laughing. Poor 30+.
I'm glad God delivered you from the hands of Goliath. Who knows what he would have done next?
I suggest you move into an apartment where you can live peacefully - ALONE. Living with house/flat mates like Goliath can be a living nightmare.

30+ said...

@Sparkle, na so I see am
@Arewa, tis was a disgusting sight.
@Exschoolnerd, thaks o
@Aijay, the nature of my work means I move around a lot and getting an apartment usually means signing lease agreements and stuff.

Isi said...

lmao!! i would have said same if i was ur sis. thank god u survived it; nothing as horrendous as living wit some one that freaks you out! lol!!

Rinsola said...

LOL, i'm having a good laugh here. Thank God you'r free from roomate Goliath. Hope ur week is coming on well.

Carlang said...

It's not fair.
i hate roomies like that.
WHat we need is a plan to chase them away.
Like get a pet crocodile or something?
Tell them it;s the reincarnated soul of your great great great grandfather.
and he hasnt eaten since then...

Queen of My Castle said...

ROFL! This was funny. I feel so sorry for you, but I thank Heaven you no longer have to endure such savage behavior!

On another note...your last comment on my blog really made me feel loved. I thank GOD for ppl like you, really.

Writefreak said...

thank God they've gone but men if it was me, i might have looked for a temporay place to move to o...that's taking it too suitcases barricading the door was ingenous

badderchic said...

Goosebumps. grat you r good. takia

Believer said...

Well thank God they are gone. Don't worry, you'll be in ur own place soon..away from all the Goliaths!! Remain blessed

Manda said...

Goliath then visited David and David had to barricade her door wit suitcases! bwahahahahaha! this is funny but scary o! Living wit Goliath under same roof? Thank God they're finally gone, Take good care gurl.

30+ said...

@Isi, yes o I survived
@Rinsola, yeah my week is going well
@Carlang, they have gone now thank God, but boy your imagination is something else, crocodile great grandfather, lmao
@QOC - Eh ya thanks, glad you liked the comment, 'tis the TRUTH
@Writefreak, I thought of it but in a way I was being defiant since I do pay rent.
@Badderchic, thanks
@Believer, BIG AMEN.
@Manda, see o like I said me I am no David - lol

In my head and around me said...

I hope the landlord has put locks on your door. You may just get Goliath's brother as a co-tenant next time.

Unbiased said...

Damn girl. Ndo o!! That is some serious scoin scoin to live with. I made my room almost self contained (no kitchen unfortunately) so i only see people when i want to. At least now i have control over who lives in the house with me. I really thank God for you dear. Keep safe!!

princesa said...

lol@ this post!
If i had know earlier, we would have changed your name to david and i for buy you one strong catapult for Ketu market...Goliath would have taken off tay tay!!

Your choices of roommates na wa... Morris, Taye, Denzel,
Girl you like better thing o!

Enjoy ur weekend babes.

30+ said...

@In my head which kind thing be dis now Goliath's brother. I am now waiting for the landlord, I am moving soon by God's grace.
@Unbiased, thank you o.
@Princessa, eh na only catapult soon you will by me some sheep so I can practice (lol). Anyway have a fab weekend yourself.

Afrobabe said...

hehehheheheeh...I know say na serious matter and i no suppose laff but lol...Ok no more abodi and least its one pyscho u wey get characters for here nko?

Thank God for his mercies sha,at least we can laff about stuff...

Zephi said...

ahhh, he should hurry up and leave....looks like he can do something crazy...I like the way you find humor in everything...maybe your not trying to be funny, but you come of that way....I cracked up a @ my name is not david neither do I go around with a catapult

Anonymous said...

your flat mate is a TRIP! wowow. lol

hmmm a prisoner in my home, with BLAIR UNDERWOOD... dear I say I would be in heaven?

Jaja said...

See trouble! Fire burn..

I feel so sorry for you and bemused at the same time...

I have a spare room in Port Harcourt ooo... You wont share convenience in this one.... Borehole, Gen, everything dey..

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

u are funny ooo
thank God u are ok...

...toyintomato said...

..whoa!.. thx goodness they moved out. you are strong girl, i would have flipped out.

30+ said...

@Afrobabe, I dey follow your characters closely, especially the nightcook lol.
@Zephi - Not really, just trying to make light of a serious situation but they have gone now.
@Belle - You I would even give up my room for Blair U.
Jaja- I dey come now now, just send me ticket money (Lawl)
@Mysterioustestimonies - Thank God
@Toyintomato, I flipped a bit for the 5am incident, but I just said I should front it a bit.

Nyemoni said...

Na wah o! Abeg lock your doors o! I dont trust that man one bit! Thanks for the love on my birthday girl....and do send my best wishes to your brother! Thank you!

femme said...

its not supposed to be a funny story cos fear dey catch u but hahahhahaha.
hope u are safe sha.

princesa said...

oya update o!

A Kel called Wonder ...... said...

Lol u had to make it funny ehr?

Am glad they moved jare i cant imagine the smell

UndaCovaSista said...

"...they kept their gyzymsifsh coupling stuff to their room".

Lol @ 'gyzymsifsh'. Yet another word from the 30+ dictionary of modern english!

Do you have a new flatmate yet? Will your landlady let you have a say in the matter?

Mrs Somebody said...

Hi 30+ thanks so much for the birthday wishes.

Ugo Daniels said...

Oh dear, you just sent this man to the bonkers. You finished him, shai! Thank God they finally moved, it would have turned ugly one never can tell what goes on inside the mind of a man, :)

bimbylads said...

lollllllll... the philistine of a man!! gosh, cant believe I am just reading this post, thoroughly enjoyed it:)

30+ said...

@Nyemoni, long time will send your wishes to him.
@Femme, now I can also laugh at the situation
@Princessa, I go update by tomorrow or Friday, work plenti
@A kel, like I said I was trying to make light of the situation but twas not funny
@Undacova my dictionary is endless.
@Ugo Daniels, I did not know how I coped, was about to SOS you (lol)
@Mrs Somebody, you are welcome
@Bimbylads, thanks

Calabar Gal said...

Thank God they are gone. At least you get your sanity back now.

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