Prisoner in my home

Peeps how you doing?! Trust you are keeping well.

Just thank God for me o, my non English speaking neighbours finally moved out.
For the past 4 weeks or so I have been living like a prisoner in my own flat(technically it ain't mine cos I am renting). Rememember my neighbours the ones trying to make me a compulsory English teacher, well they are a couple and they have been trying my patience especially the boyfriend. To start with my landlord did not inform me that she will take on a couple, one of the reasons I took the flat was that it was just going to be two of us in the cosy flat. Anyways couple moved in and we were okay for a while (they kept their gyzymsifsh coupling stuff to their room, which was fine by me) and I figured they will soon be gone as they were holiday makers.

Then it started, first it was dirty dishes in sink, phunking up the bathroom, visitors pressing bell at odd hours. Then the boyfriend started prancing up and down the flat and overtook the living room sleeping in there (obviously they were having issues).
Now the guy is big, I am talking like 6footer with bouncer like figure (stop imaginig a hunk, cos he is not). Infact I shall therein refer to him as Goliath.

Now I am a tolerant person I don't mind someone prancing around the flat all day and taking over the living room as long as it is


or him


ok if it has to be, get me this brown sugar


Infact my tolerance level can accomodate Morris, Taye, hugh, Denzel all at the same time, I am flexible like that. But nnooooo I have had to endure Goliath prancing around the flat in his wait for it......... BOXERS. I am talking tight boxers which leaves little to imagination. Plus once he is in the living room forget it because (a) the living room is poky (b) Dude is HUGE (c) he leaves a big time whiff trail after him as in even if you have cataarh, you don't have to be Sherlock holmes to figure out where he has entered within the flat.

The other day I walked into the living room and he was lying down legs wide open and needless to say my eye was beholding serious iniquities (I wish I could laugh). Groggy bits were hanging out, eew eew eew.

About 3 weeks ago, the dude opened the door of my room without knocking at 5.30 in the Morning. I just opened my eyes to see this dude at the door of my room and had to scream at him. He just went back like a zombie, I got up, fiddled for my house coat and went after him and guess what Goliath was doing, he was already in the bathroom attending to business ni sha and he opened the door ajar to answer me, imagine such a gross sight early in the morin. The experience was traumatising to say the least.

Apparently he was drunk and was actually going to the bathroom (or so his girlfriend said). I am like okayee......despite the fact that the bathroom was literarily next door to their room and the distance between my room to the bathroom is not a straight nine, it is more like a Triangle.

I had to sleep with suitcases barricading my door to secure it, until they moved out (after the I don't care attitude of the landlord, who kept posting me on coming to put locks on the door). Plus 30+ was creeping around the flat like a thief in order not to rouse the giant.

So Ms 30+ with all your Bluntness why did you just not face him take him on afterall you say you are Bold? Thank you, I knew some smart arse blog reader would ask, to answer your question I will give you some hints in order of seriousness:

1) Goliath no speak good English2) Goliath has selective hearing (either that or the lack of English is more serious than I assume) 3) On a particular occassion the dude was talking angrily with his friend while holding a knife and he looked at me with evil eye as I entered the kitchen (Vivid imagination?! Y'all be the same if you heard the story I heard last year involving 2 friends living together and a knife).
4) You no sabi read - I named the dude Goliath
......And so
5) Duh..I have described myself before as cute and....
6) Well my name is not David, neither do I go around with a catapult!!!!
I purposely did not blog about it cos when I told my sis, the girl went beserk, raking for me "haven't I heard stories before", "you know he is a holiday maker, what if he does something and ran away", "human rights, civil rights" "insanity" "blah blah" (the girl can blow grammar).
Although she was being concerned, I became more scared after I told her, so I held my peace till it was over lest any Blog comments make me even more Anxious.
I should be moving to somewhere more permanent very soon by GOD's GRACE, till then I am a PILGRIM (literarily).

Shalom