I was going to title this post 'I go wound person o' but changed it after I calmed down.
One of the challenges of being a 30+ female is that people are always trying to hook you up, and hook you up real bad. Most are with good intentions, others it's just to get you to move on (out) so that the young can grow.
Which brings me to the question, what is the right way to matchmake, how can you set up folks so the two individuals don't feel under pressure but rather get a comfortable feeling of forging a friendship that may ultimately lead to I DO.
I find sometimes it is best to avoid this desperate matchmakers but being the amiable person I am, I seem to be an easy target for all sorts of matchmaking. I can understand when it is those mamas, papas, uncles and aunties, but at least your friends should know better.
That is how the other day, I was jejely minding my business reading blogs, working and you know generally being 30+ and my friend calls me leaving two messages:
Message 1 -‘30+ pe mi asap (call me), it is very important, I repeat pe mi o, unfailingly today’.
Message 2 (30mins later) – 30+ ibo lo wa now (where are you), I need you to call me, what do you have mobile phone for if one can not reach you make sure 'pe o pe mi'(that you call me) there is an urgent discussion’.
Listening to message I call her back 'asap' , here goes the conversation:
30+: 'Ore what's up, your message sounded rather urgent, ki lo nsele'
Friend: '30+ ibo lo gba lo? (where did you go?), we were trying to set something up here and I wanted to give you the 411'.
30+::' Really, who is "we" and wetin dey?'
Friend: 'I want you to listen carefully, I know you may frown at this but anyway let me just go straight to the point (short silence) there is this guy...'
30+: Sighs (not again)
Friend: 'Mo ti mo (I knew that would be your reaction), don't sigh, I have not said anything now to make you sigh. As I was saying there is this guy that I will want you to meet, he is my friends uncle no sorry nephew, well I don't remember the relationship, Most important he is a Christian, he is also a nice person sha. He is from etcetera, he is light skinned'
30+: 'I am listening' (Buzzer goes off in my head...kno, 30+ does not dig light skinned and does not want to go to etcetera, too far from my country)
Friend: 'Well ..... he was kind of married before'
30+: 'Which one is kind of ?'
Friend: 'Well he was married but is divorced now
30+: 'He is divorced now?!' (ding...o jebi)
Friend: '.Yea... Well he has a kid, no not one, two kids...ehn sorry I meant two'
30+: 'Ehn Ehn, 2 KIDS' (Buzzer goes into overdrive ....KNO, KNO, KNO, too young to manage that; 3 families (mine, his and hers), 2 step kids, plus my would be 5 kids = high blood pressure)
AND THEN SHE SAID...
Friend: 'He said he is not making any promises o but he will consider'
30+: 'Silence' (Buzzer in my head has just pafuka at this point in time, flipping heck, I am definitely being framed, this must be the joke of the century).
Friend: 'What do you think?'
Y'all must commend 30+ for keeping her cool up till now, she is seriously trying to bridle her tongue, because if she starts let's just say by the time she finishes you will go and change your name with immediate effect.
Friend: '30+ are you still there, what do you think'
30+:'Well I think....HELL NO, he can go and ...(slowly breathe in, breathe out), he can go and hold himself and his foolish consideration'.
Friend: 'Ha ha 30+ it is not like that, and I thought you may not like it o. Don't be upset now.'
30+: 'Upset ke, why will I be upset...abeg I will have to call you back' (I am about to unleash my...count 1 to 100)
Drops the phone muttering under my breath "Upset, upset, upset upset does not even come close to describing what I feel now, let me go and lay my head down before i break something"
See my life outside o, 30+ has suffered chai, my eyes have seen for this obodo oyinbo.
I mean even though there seems to be a shortfall of eligible and available bachelors there are still enough single boys/men out there without previous commitments x 3 (ex wife, kid 1, kid 2) and Considerations...
I know what you are thinking right about now, I wonder the situation is with 30+, what does she look like may be she is the niece of the hunchback of notre dame with no possible dream of a prince in shinning BMW (armour na old style).
Okay here goes: 30+ is SINGLE (no kid /ex husband dead or alive), good looking, vivacious, God loving, professional babe. Oprah could pass for my Mum and y'all know kids are finer that their parents (I ain't denying you mama 30+, you are finer than Oprah, just had to help the blog readers). I am not Halle Berry but I could be her sister (na you sabi) except for some stubborn extras here and here that refuse to shift, in fact you can call me a cutie or black beauty and you will not be amiss.
Help a sister out here, am I the only 30+ in the city, abi na by force to be hooked up just because they (my friends) are. I wonder what kind of gist they must have had for the ramshackle guy to utter such statements.
EMI (ME) KONSIDA, shuo who is considering who, it is not your fault.... meeen, nobody must hear this especially Toro and Yemi, they will laugh my arse out of this town. At least I can share it on blogville where I am anonymous
I do wonder sometimes why I get this dufusticous offers, this incident made me to remember the guy I call Danger Mouse, oh boy I still laugh to this day when I remember our date...that story is for another post.
Till later Shalom