Danger Mouse

Hi Peeps,

I trust you are all good.

Remember that from North to South there is no other God, from East to West there is no other God before him there is none and after him nko no one.

This is an old gist I had promised to download a while back about Danger Mouse who happened to be a match make attempt it just occured to me I did not fulfill the promise so finally here it is the update you don dey halla me for 'you know yourselves'

Background - Sister O is one of those 'Iya eto' (make it happen women) in my church, who saw me on one Sunday and asked if I was seeing anyone to which I answered negative.

Like film sha Sis O pulled me aside about three Sundays later and introduced me to this guy Bros Dangermouse (a.k.a. Bro D) Here goes the convo:

Sis O: "30+ meet D"

Moi non the wiser said casually "Hello D"

He acknowledged followed by awakward silence, my eyebrow raised at Sis O face as to 'who he was supposed to be'.

Sister O just said "Talk now, ki lo nseyin"? (Talk, what is wrong with both of you?)

That was when the penny dropped, I turned charcoal black from the blushing, how embarrasing. Where is a ground opening earthquake when you need one.

Folks, some peeps can be tactless.

I observed Bro D with my corner eye, the bros was decked up in Suit, nice itele (shoes) tie knotted gbagbagba(i.e choker level) he had obviously made a lot of attempt to impress, na wa o. Physique -well heightwise and widthwise, the name Danger Mouse was meticulously given after careful observation of the aforementioned and the latter shenennigans.Bro D apparently grew up in mission house, was shy and doesn't know how to talk to girls e.t.c all according to Sis O.

Like eja kote head (frozen fish head), we exchanged pleasantries and numbers under the watchful eye of Sister O. If not that we were in Church and that I was/am working on mind renewal, bridling tongue.....God knows what I would have done.

Anyways, the guy called me a couple of times and the conversations were usually typified by monosyllables and sleep inducing jagbajantis like:

Bro D: "How are you? "

30+: "Ok"

Bro D: "What are you doing?"

30+: "Nothing"

Bro D: "Did you poo?"

30+: "Yes I finally did!

Bro D: "Did you wee?"

30+: "I don't remember?"

Bro D: "Do you drink water"

...and so on so forth meanwhile trying hard to maintain civility. Why did I pick up his calls, I was being polite. Plus he was the one burning his credit and by the time he gets off the phone, I drop of to sleep instanta.

Then he invited me for a meal and film, and 30+ said yes, pass me not by free food and awoof no dey kill person ko...lie.

Come the D day, good meal, nice film, good weather, altogether nice outing, how splendid! I carried bag ready to go my own way abi after you see THE END at the cinema, next destination is for me to go home is it not?!

30+: "Thank you Bro D, God bless You, see you some other time"

That is how Bro D extended arms as per 'hug' goodnite shey, no shakin me too I accepted.

Next thing I know, what's going on? Shuo, I was on lockdown, Bro D will not let me go! Dude was holding me tight like his life depended on it.
I managed to free my head a bit to read his face as in 'what the heck is going on' I will try to carefully describe what happened in the following 2mins or so.

Have you seen folks in karate lesson when they take position as the Sensae shouts "assume the zeng ko kuda chi genda barai kamaite " . Bros D had assume position of kissing o, dude had his eyes closed, lips pouting and shooting out ready for me to reciprocrate. Then I started feeling his hands going down gradually and eventually resting ever so slightly on my DERIERE ready to grab my butt cheeks shuuuuuoo, not on your nearly balding head..............'haya!' 'hai!!' 'hai!!!'. I doubled up strength like the power rangers and broke free.....my dereiere, lai lai lai...na yam.

You and who? When did we start geography that we are drawing map?

So film and dinner is the cost to grab my precious derriere. I did not know that they taught them 'butt grabbing' at the mission house. Needless to say I gave him one look and lest I commit (in the days when I was not this calm, that bloke would have chopped hot slap), started walking away. One after the other I sucked my butt cheeks in just in case they decide to wiggle at him in a mannner of showing off ....
Did I feedback to 'Sis O'? No I could not be bothered.
However unknown to me 'Sis O' had informed 'Sis Devil is a liar' (a better pally of mine)about her matchmake effort and was wondering why I did not show enthusiasm to the guy (apparently danger mouse gave 'Sis O' the impression I was not keen and he is shy around me). So when 'Sis Devil is a liar' asked my taken aback self, I gave her the low down of the butt grabbing expedition of 'Bro Danger mouse' knowing fully well she will not hold back in speaking a piece of her mind to 'Sis O'.
On a serious note I was a bit miffed at the whole shebang. I was not wearing anything revealing to entice him, we did not even watch Romantic film, it was X men or something like that. So at which junction did my body language signal to him that my butt was itching for a grab.
Someday I will tell my kids and grandkids the story of what this Nubian Princess went through before meeting her Prince, better still I will just give them this blog URL.

Till laters

SHALOM

50 comments:

UndaCovaSista said...

Yay first!!!

ROTFLMAO!!!
30+ you don crase finish, you this girl! I dont even know where to start. Which one is clenching of butt cheeks one by one? Or the teaching of butt grabbing in Mission house?

OMG! I am still laughing...

olu said...

What a funny read. So do you think DM has given up the chase?

Okunrin meta

Arewa said...

Lol.. i feel sorry for the guy.. but he should have waited a little longer to earn some brownie points before attempting chew mouth...ahah
as for u.. u need deliverance.....lol.
longest time...hope all is well with u .. x x x

Arewa said...

and what the hell was up with the conversations about POO and weeee... thts enuff to turn a sista off ...Damn!!!

Jaybabe said...

LOL...this is very funny. 30+ you are something else...!

Naija Chickito said...

You are one crazy chick! Lol. You got me laughing really hard. Thanks for that. I really needed it.

Cheers.

Nyemoni said...

LOL...LOL...LOL...What an interesting one....so much for a shy guy eh? I thought shy guys weren't so forward? :-) hahahahahaha...Nice start to my day!

darkelcee said...

oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!!!! 30+ you will not kill me?

i was laughing at my PC and my colleagues are like am i ok? please i never jam another job . lolllllll

i think all guys feels dat butt grabbing is sexy but most times its just a plain stupid move.

dont worry, ears have not heard nor eyes seen the prince charming God has in store for you.

Loads of love

Uzezi said...

when did the geography begin for u to start drawing map? lol. don't mind the guy jare. he fuck up big time. and guys like him do not need to see anything enticing for them to start fantasizing.

Anu boy said...

kai... laugh wan kill me, i no blame the brother mehn, maybe he saw in your eyes the desire to kiss... lmao

dude is pretty faster than himself

30+ said...

@Undacova, craze ke me I am just yarning events that happened na :)

@Olu, he gave up the chase o, if he had tried any more chasing than that omo I will brush him.

@Arewa, you what I felt a bit sad for him as well hence why I hesistated to tell Sis O. Poor Sod may be he was starving of affection. Leave deliverance gurl, lol.

@Jaybabe, mehn I am guilty of not visiting your blog for a while and I shall go to redeem myself right now.

@Naijachickito, glad you did you are welcome.

@Nyemoni, those shy ones are dangerous.

@Darkelcee, o se jare my sister ehn God should just consider all this jagbajantis match making attempt and bring da Man.

@Uzezi, true question to ask now since he started mapping my behind. He sure did mess up.

@Anuboy, speed of light mehn, one dinner one movie. Whick kain desire to kiss where is the temptation definitely not Him.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hahahaha! shy boy ko, shy boy ni! lol! Oh, this was too funny!

NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

OluwaDee said...

Lol! the danger mouse name is spot on.
He assumed position, OMG I am still laughing.
He asked, did u poo & wee?? lol, bro Danger Mouse indeed.

princesa said...

I cant stop laughing here o!
"When did we start geography that we are drawing map?"

LMAO!!!
The guy was just too forward. E suppose look face first na,lol!

Fo said...

LMAO!!! eya poor poor u!! i de feel u sista! ....*still can't stop lafn...berra show dem wht u went thru oo!! lol!

fumosh said...

This is hilarious... i wish i had someone to share this with- i have been laughing to my self since!

na wa oh - that bro needed someone to spank his mousy behind, thrust a bible in his hand and send him back to mission house!

Da prince is already here- remember the darkest hour breaks forth into a bright morning!

30+ said...

@SSD, you dey there, shy my foot

@Oluwadee, lol not in many words but silly talks like that, get my drift.

@Princessa, abi e just dey jump like roger rabbit. Don't stay away too long o.

@Fo, Sis you see my life outside

@Fumosh, lmao, spanking his mousy behind may just be appealing to him so let's just leave behinds for now :). Amen to the prince o I see recieve it

Jaycee said...

LOLLLLLLLLLL @ the butt grabbing...so he LIED to sis "O" abt being shy around girls. How else did he gain courage to grab ur derriere??? (lol)

Just give ur kids and grand-kids this blog to read...they'll be rolling on the floor deep in laughter...ha ha ha.

Bookie19 said...

this one na dangermouse indeed...butt grabbing on the first date? thats a big no no
I guess thats the way they were taught about romance in mission school

Nice Blog

Anonymous said...

Wow...as I just read the first two line of your blog,i knew i will be coming back here soonest...plus I will be joining blogsville as well...
Trust me on this one North,South,East or West, men will always be men...give them an inch...they take a mile...no mind d guy jare

joicee said...

lmao!!!!!

Sucking in buttcheek.. I didn´t know one could manage that whilst walking.... I´ll try it sometime lol

Absolutely loved it.

Olamild said...

"bros was decked up in Suit, nice itele (shoes) tie knotted gbagbagba(i.e choker level) he had obviously made a lot of attempt to impress, na wa o."

Lmaooooooo
and then this

"When did we start geography that we are drawing map?"

I have not even heard that since high school buhahahahah. Bobo yen nyama o. WHat in the world was he thinking? hahhaha

30+ said...

@Jaycee, my thoughts exactly shy around girls but not shy on grabbing booty.

@Bookie19, then I need to find the mission school teacher and flog him.

@Anon, thanks for stopping by, swing by when you start your blog.

@Joicee, yes o it is a good excerise for the behind.

@Olamild, ko ye mi to o, maybe he thought I will pretend and let him carry on.

Lighty said...

lololol.
danger mouse was extremely dangarous lol.
wot kind of foolishness. mission house my butt. lol. lol. lol.

Lighty said...
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Lighty said...
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Lighty said...
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Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO @ you clenching your butt cheeks one by one so that they don't further entice him by wiggling. That was too funny. I actually laughed out loud in my office at that part. Too funny. OMG! Poor guy, no one taught him the art of toasting fine Naija babes. LOL

TinTin said...

lmaoooooooooooo, lol...my sides are spliting!! mission house deserved ifoti tutu!!! a nice lovely slap would have solved the problem! just to make sure he doesnt do it to anyone again!

pink gloves said...

Funny, but sad. Danger Mouse aint shy, he sounds like a hoe. lol. Just take it easy, and steer clear of Sis O and her match makes.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

Omg..lmao..lawd lawd lawd..30+..you are hilarious..now this post has left me with a mental video of you walking away while stronging your yansh so it wont giggle...oh lawd i am dying of laughter.
eya poor D..one day god go butter hin bread.lol

30+ said...

@Lighty, lighty, lighty. How are you? O dangerous mehn.

@QOC, eh don't cause raised eyebrows at work, folks may get wrong impression :)

@TinTin, O pari I have heard of ifoti gbigbona, mehn how does ifoti tutu feel like. Thanks for stopping by.

@Pinkgloves, you get it, rather sad but I just had to find the humour in it.

@Zephi F, I thought of you this morning and made a mental note to come and harrass you for update...maybe I should do more praying than thinking, Glad to read from you.

Uzezi said...

i say, this ur title reminds me that all of a sudden, I started watching Danger Mouse again. was in the room when I heard the jingle and ra to the parlour, the I was smiling ad naming all the cartoons I watched as a child.
hope say the guy no call u again sha

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

awww. you were thinking of me? *blushes*..im feeling really special right now

30+ said...

@Uzezi, funny I also got mail from one of my friends reminiscing of yesteryears. I am going on you tube to search for Danger mouse.

@Zephi, yes I did was hoping you are ok, cos I know you kinda just left the ish hanging...so I repented and said a word of prayer for you. God will sort us out one by one.

Manda said...

hahahahahaaaaa, babe this was just sooo funny! i especially liked dat part about geography and map. abeg make i go memorize.

Happy easter.x

'Yar Mama said...

Gotta kiss a lotta frogs before you find your prince...

Wireless said...

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shola pacheco said...

nice blog 30+, damn dangermouse sure had some nerve...lol one date and he already wan grab buttocks...if he buys u some swarosky brother go rape u ho...hilarious

i sure just a fan of matchmaking, i feel its bullshit....

have a fab easter 30+

Sherri said...

i just love ur sense of humor!

shuuuuuoo, not on your nearly balding head..............'haya!' 'hai!!' 'hai!!!'. I double up strength like the power rangers and broke free.....my dereiere, lai lai lai...na yam.
that was funny!((belly aching laff)
and butt clenching? lol

the bobo was a certified ode!

Happy Ressurection Sunday.

30+ said...

@Manda, go and memorise, you mean you did not say or hear in Secondary school t'was common slang.

@Yarmama, I am kinda tired of frog kissing.

@Wireless, Thanks

@Shola Pacheco, Swarovsky ke with that one e go pass rape.

@Sherri, Thank you. Happy Resurrection Sunday

Oracle said...

Happy Easter.

Ms. Catwalq said...

e pele, e ju gbogbo e.
e go better

ejatutu said...

lmao, oga o o o. I feel for the guy, he no fit engage in conversation properly so he wan make his tongue do the talking and hands do the describing............

Mission boy, on my gosh. These people fit make u sin

ablackjamesbond said...

lol @ 'You and who? When did we start geography that we are drawing map?'

funny

Florida of Free Spirit said...

eh ya. pele. na one of those things wey we women dey see. wen i was an IT (industrial training) student, it was like i had a sign on my head saying 'come hither' 2 every tom, dick & harry. daz y i argue wit pple who blame women 4 rape or sexual harassment! some dude just love 2 take advantage & daz dat

Allied said...

the name danger mouse caught my attention.. that is the name of my car...

Lol @ you and who?. Men sha!!

Aijay said...

LMAO!!! Kai! 30+, I can't believe how hard I'm laughing. Danger mouse indeed. Dude thought he could get it like that.

I like the line about maps and geography. Permission to use? lol..

30+ said...

@Oracle, You too

@Ms. Catwalq, e seun mi o

@Ejatutu - How far? True, alakoba ni won

@Blackjamesbond - It's a valid question o

@Florida - It is silly to blame the woman for Rape abeg even if I wear something revealing (not that I can, shame tew catch me) the guy should exercise self control.

@Allied - ROTFLMAO, Don't mind your danger mouse grabbing my bum at least it is for transport

@Aijay, permission granted - lol

isha said...

LMAO! That was a very very very good read. I enjoyed that.
On a serious note tho, do you have to put a 'touch not my anointed' sign on personal property to pass the message that people can't just be grabbing cos stuff looks grabbable. see me see wahala o, at least you know who was about to grab you.