Hypocrisy

Hi my peeps,

It is good to sing praise to the Lord and bless the Lord most high.

Happy New Month to you all, the first half of the year will soon be gone.

Recently one of my friends (call him J boy) let me down, basically I wanted us to partner in some bizness and kind of wanted to him to tidy the sales side of things while I sourced product. The guy was all mouth 'yeah no worries, I will do the groundwork, I have told you before business is the in thing.....bla, blah, black sheep'.

When time came for him to deliver, no show.

This was the same guy who used to call me all the way from the US to advise me on marriage and I use to even what his scope was. I remember a conversation we had shortly after he relocated to Nigeria (on this same marriage issue).

J boy: '30+ you should make sure you shine your eyes well o and be very prayerful before choosing a partner, you divorce rate is high this days. I just heard a sermon and the guy was saying some serious stuff'.

30+: 'Don't worry, I am always praying about it anyway you nko how far?'

J boy: 'It's you I am waiting for (laughs), God will do it'

He then made an excuse to get of the phone (credit or somethin like that)

A couple of months after that conversation, one of our common friends called to rejoice with me and confirm when J Boy's naming ceremony will be.

30+:'Which J boy'?

Friend: 'Same J boy now, don't you know he has a baby girl?'

30+: 'Shuo since when, is he married?'

Friend: 'You mean he did not tell you that he is now married to little K girl'

30+: 'Little K girl ke, are you dreaming, K girl who has barely finished WAEC or which K girl are you talking about?'

Friend: 'Ah okay you have not heard. The long and short of the story is there has been some underg rendevous between the two for a while and result became VISIBLE. Parents sha insisted he must marry her before she gives birth'.

I called another friend who filled me in on the details. Kai, imagine, this is the same dude that was always was advising as if he was my father yet he managed to miss out that he had impregnated our K little girl who was donkey years her junior. Let's just say K girl is one of those area aburos whom we all use to send on errand when we hang out in their hood. K girl that use to call him and his friends Uncle and Aunty, K girl who was still in secondary school.

His excuse for not telling me earlier ("after he apologised") He wanted it to be a "SURPRISE" (yeye guy, na today dem born me?!).

Why are people such hypocrites there he was advising me and next thing you know all the while he was wiring little K girl.

Anyways on this fateful day I called their house (i.e. Mr and Mrs J boy) as per business concern and it was litte K girl that picked phone, of course level don change, it was no longer 'Aunty 30+', it was now '30+ what's up? 'I just calmly respnded I am fine, abi afterall she is now my friend's wife . I asked after her husband and she said to hold on... The next thing I heard shocked me, 'Stuppiiiiiiiiiid', 'Stuppiiiiiiiiiid', (shuo who is she fighting with) and then again 'Opponuuu' you have a phone call.

Chai I prayed please don't let it be what I am thinking and as if he read my tots, I heard my friend's voice in the background replying her "Whhhhatt mo nbo jo" (I am coming).

Olopa o, what happend to sweetheart, darling, baby, honey all dem dem romantic names abi is this new fashion in Nigeria?!.

In short J boy a.k.a stupid/oponu eventually picked phone and I had my conversation with him like normal although he sounded uneasy
(What?! You expect me to ask him who oponu is? No o, wetin konsign me, you want them to use my name enter their sheneidegan, God forbid!).

Even if they were fighting she should not have embarrassed the guy like dat. Then again it is not her fault it's my friend who could not take his eyes of her melons nor take to his own advise, the girl was obviously immature.

The next time I called and she picked up, it was different, it was now 'Mrr Foolissshhh' you have a phone call" (not a joke). Well things are getting better abi at least he now has a prefix.

There and then I decided not to call their house again, I'll rather email or send letter, can't stomach any more name calling although J boy messed up but still...

Moral of the gist, walk the talk, you are an Epistle.

Till later

Dentist and Needles

Hi Peeps,

Hope you are all doing great. Happy new month. Thank God for his mercies from January to November.

I had to go to the dentist for what I thought was a follow up appointment on my initial consultation on Monday. I have been procastinating getting braces so I can sort my teeth overcrowding and finally took the plunge last month with an inital conultation. The "follow up appointment" was on Monday.

At this junction it may be worth mentioning that there are some things that don't sit well with 30+; PAIN, NEEDLE, DENTIST are top on list among others.

Like earlier this year, I went to get a jab and the drama that ensued is fresh on my memory. My sister and I were both getting the jab so she had her own first. When it was my turn she come and see action, my sister had warned the nurse that I was scared of needles but she was going to calm me down.

The nurse was not prepared for what happened next. While my sister was holding my hand, looking in my eyes to comfort/distract me, I made a mistake of turning and caught sight of the long pointy thing as she tapped it.
Katakata burst...bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah 30+ started to howl, as in hand holding head mashing leg on ground.

It took another 5-10 minutes, a few failed attempts, lots of cajoling and distraction from my sister coupled with speaking in tongues (not out of spirituality but fear) before I was calm enough to get the injection. Suffice to say I left quite an impression on some nurses as well as patients in the waiting area who heard my voice. Thankfully I have not had to go back to the GP again.



Dentist: It is the Zzzzzzzzzzz noise and the pain which always heads straight for your brain. When I had to remove my wisdom tooth, mama 30+ had to come with me(yes I no get shame) even though she was living a bit far, this was a desperate situation and she knew (bless Mums). The dentist too got a free show and even mama 30+ joined me to cry.


She wonders how I will cope with child birth, with the way I am, I assure her she will be on standby with my husband and they will both forgive me for whatever Transpires.

Anways so I was not prepared for Monday, I assumed it was a further consultation since appointment said 15-20mins consultation. How was I to know they can remove TWO WHOLE TEETH in 20mins. Maybe because it took longer with the wisodm tooth, then again that was a "complicated procedure"

Imagine MY HORROR when the dentist smiling said

“Ms 30+ , so I will be removing 2 teeth, the left premolar blah....”

"2 Gini" I eyed the door knob far away from me and my jacket in the corner as I made a mental calculation of Hop, Step and Jump out of the chair. Alas he was already towering over me as he touched each tooth about to be dislodged. "Why is he smiling, what is funny in removing someone’s teeth" "Mr man if only you knew how close your nose is to the teeth you are about to dislodge and the ease of my teeth latching the very tip of the NOSE you may reconsider the smiling"

"Ohaew" was all I could mutter.

I maintained, started to pray silently and psyche myself up confessing positive things in my head. The calming screen attached to the ceiling was a bit helpful and I was starring hard at it while my hands were gripping the side of the chair almost to point of tearing the leather.
I must not cry hear today o, nobody to console me o, I will not cry, I will not cry...

Singing halleluyah, eyes closed so I didn't have to see the needle first aaarrgh....Numbness in the jaw...........then came the ZZzzzzzzzzz.

All that happened next was a BBBllluuurrr as I tried hard to go to my happy place.

About 10-15mins later, two teeths sent to their demise and 105 bucks out of pocket, I managed to maintain my cool, no actual tears just mist and I was feeling sorry for myself. Not sure why, whether it was
a) Surviving a needle and dentist ordeal all by myself
b) The demise of my teeth or
c) My lighter bank account.

Two resolutions for me after that experience
1) One of my kids will be ENCOURAGED VERRYY STRONGLY to be a dentist so we can save ourselves a small fortune on trips to dentists.
2) Let me save that other one 1 for inside stomach.

Till Later, stay safe

Shalom

Old Wive's Fable - Beanz

Hi Peeps,

Trust God is taking care of you, looked out of my window this morning and saw the clouds, beautiful Van gogh got nothing on that I thought.

Oya Blogvile get voting now should I give my site a makeover, see the polls on the right, just 7 days to go, remember voting is your constitutional right (Although, I have the Veto, ha ha ha)

On gist level, let me share my recent experience involving a friends advice, beans and the consequences.

In the quest to loose weight, I have been watching my diet and resolved to reduce my Carbs as much as possible which means more proteins, vegetables, lentils e.t.c. Chief protein source that I could think of was beans and it's derivatives including akara, moinmoin e.t.c. Spurred on by my resolve, I decided to go all out for BEANS!!!

Well my FRIEND dutifully advises me that I should put the dry skin of the onion in the beans when cooking it, according to her it will help with the after effect of eating too much beans (gas). Call me silly but i believed her, plus I needed all the encouragement of making beans my best friend. I followed instruction to the letter stripping the onion naked, I put all the leaves in the cooking pot and cooked the beans to taste. I patted myself on the back because it seemed I had found the solution to after beans effect, IRO NLA (big lie).

Okay if you are very posh and think a lady should not talk about this things please stop reading now...otherwise I no send o.

Consequences - Come next morning, it was as if all forms of gas were called to congregated to alertness inside my stomach and they were doubling up, as in "lef-right", "lef-right", "nzobu nzobu eh ba eh", without warning artilleries started firing ni sha.
To the left, to the right and center in different flavors. Such was the involuntary action bursting out of me (with little resistance from the pectoral muscle).
I was left to stew in my own ***. It was compounded by the fact that I became upset that I had believed one of those olf wive's tales, should have known better, what has onion skin got to do with gaseous aftereffects of beans.
Talking about componded problem, Hydrgen, Nitrogen, Sulphur and oxygen were all compounding into a complex chemical easing itself out of Moi. The ramshackle onion leaves had done nada.

Y'all could have put a nozzle up in there and get your fill on, for cooking ready one time, no shakin.

The assault lasted till like lunchtime with the help from lots of water drinking and forceful management interventiona.k.a whitehouse visit by force.

There was nothing babed up about me that day meehn.

I did not dare to move unnecessarily from my seat because I was not sure that the evidence was still not hung up in the air following me around.

With no perfume on hand (the one day I needed it most), I just dey solo level while I counted my blessings that the guy that sits beside me is on long term assignment and being Friday a few of the other colleagues were off, the rest were at a safe distance.

It got me thinking about the useless old wives fable we have concorted over the years because come to think of it there is no correlation between onion leaves and beans . I mean where in the name of sardine and geisha do these old wives fables come from listed below are some of the ones I have heard:

1. If a pregnant woman cooks moinmoin it will never be cooked - Get me some mean pressure cooker and see if it does not cook to overcooking.
2. Pissing over a dog bite helps to heal wound quickly - Yeah right, is that not adding salt (from the urine) to injury.
3. Putting your hand out to collect rain water can make you become paralysed (Mum, you could have just told small 30+ to stop playing in the rain)

Drop the ones you know in the comments section

Shalom

Jasmine S****thing Gr***n Tea

Would you like a cuppa 30+, oh yes please can I have the jasmine s***thing green tea (quickly eyeing the label, to pronounce it well), after all I have to make them believe this very tea is on the shelf in my kitchen.

The secretary passed my tea to me and she looked at me funny I ignored her. Anyways home girl continued talking, I was in my element pitching my report and convincing the boss that those contractors were doing a drab job.

Boss interjected after like 15 minutes of my ranting (i mean reporting) I gingerly picked up my cup to savour this “new brand of tea with shinning green label”, I nod my head in time to pretend like I was hearing the gibberish she was saying and put the cup to my mouth, the next thing you see pwaaaaaaarh I spit all over my boss and the contractor manager.

I am so sorry it’s still quite hot I said in the most professional English I could muster, and I saw my repometer (reputation meter) nose dive big time.

The silly girl taking notes looked at me with a knowing look as per common that tea has been sitting for 15 minutes "there is no way it’s still hot", so I eye her back as per "foolish girl why did you give me tea that taste like omi igbe (shit water!) and you expect me to down it".

Are you alright my boss says, I replied it's okay, hankies were passed so I could wipe the dribble around my mouth and the table, anyway oga continued talking while contract manager smiled sheepishly I am sure I saw a glint in his eye saying "God catch you, shebi you said we are doing a drab job!" And I smiled back sheepishly and replied with my eyes “at least you got stains on your shirt, hope you spend a lot to get it out”